Please, someone save humanity from airplane WiFi

Is there anywhere I can be safe from the incessant buzz of notifications? Airplanes used to be one of them. Remember Gogo Inflight Wireless? What a time. Not too long ago we’d be hard pressed to sell our attention for the ~$10/hour garbage internet up there. It was almost ritualistic, reaching cruising altitude and popping open the WiFi portal just to think nah I’m good and close it. After sending one final “See you when I land!” text, I chose to bask in blissful ignorance. So quaint.

But now, after years of T-Mobile’s free WiFi hegemony, unlimited connectivity is coming to the masses. I’ll admit there was a time in my life where the prospect of free in-flight internet would have been a welcome discovery. I’d finally be able to make use of the 5 hours in the air to do…something? Clearly I had to attend to very pressing matters. Though I was cheap and never actually paid for it, except on the occasional work trip where I could expense it, which felt oddly decadent.

But now that it’s here, I don’t want it. I don’t want connection. Not even the free texting. I don’t want notifications of any kind, not from friends and definitely not any breaking news from this current hellscape. I want a forced retreat in one of the few places it’s still possible.

I’m not saying we should be raw-dogging flights, don’t be weird. I’m just saying that airplane time naturally exists in the same dimension as airport time. It’s a non-place where otherwise steadfast social contracts are weakly held. In the sky, salvation comes from the squeaking wheels of the food trolley and the anticipation of whatever is masquerading as “four cheese pasta.” That is to say, it’s not a serious place, so why fill it with seriousness?

Plane time is your opportunity to be whatever version of yourself you want to be or, and I think preferably, whatever version you refuse to be otherwise. Fancy a glass of wine at 9 am? Go forth, king. Perhaps you’re a reader? Good for you, I wish I had your determination. Or maybe you want to harness the lack of oxygen by watching a romcom just to squeeze out the few tears you have left. By all means. For me, it’s filling the time with a delightful numbness. When else can I binge a season of Slow Horses without remorse? That is freedom, friends.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Skylar, you’re a dude over the age of 30, who could possibly be texting you?” To which I say touché. But it’s the principle, damn it. You could also argue that if you don’t want WiFi, then just don’t connect to it, and stop being a buzzkill for those who want to. If only it were so simple, if only I had stronger resolve. Plus it’s only a matter of time until our corporate overlords start expecting us to drag those widgets around in our metal sky tubes. Plane time is your time, don’t let them take it from you.

So no, I don’t want it. I would almost go so far as to say the forced disconnection of plane time is sacred. And necessary. It’s a refuge from our chronic ubiquitousness. So please, someone save humanity from the scourge of free airplane WiFi.